How Do I Love Thee?

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost two years. I feel like I need to find new ways to tell him how much I love him. I think I thought of way to express that.

So, Jesse, how much do I love you?

I love you…

1. More than a fat kid loves cake.

2. More than Bro. Eddie loves the word “literally”.

3. More than Kim Kardashian loves herself.

4. More than the DOW loves unnecessary DC meetings.

5. More than people on diets love talking about dieting.

6. More than Mexicans love hot sauce.

7. More than Sheldon Cooper loves proving that he’s right.

8. More than Kel loves orange soda.

9. More than Bro. Tefft loves Diet Coke.

10. More than Californians love saying “the” before freeways when giving directions.

11. More than Justin Bieber loves posting selfies.

12. More than Dwight loves beet farming.

13. More than Mini-Me loves chocolate.

14. More than Midwest girls love being fake tan.

15. More than hipsters love coffee shops.

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Four Annoying Girls & How to Deal With Them

  1. The “Giggly” Girls: I think Audrey Hepburn said it best in Sabrina when she is hiding in a tree watching her crush flirt with one of these ditzy types. “I hate girls who giggle all the time” Me too, Audrey. Me too.
    1. How to Spot One:
      1. They are overly optimistic, and are most likely smiling.
      2. They or their friends probably work for the Dean of Women’s office.
      3. Usually morning people. Freshman usually sing in the morning, most likely a Disney song.
    2. How to Deal:
      1. DON’T: Use sarcasm. Most of the time it will just go over their heads. Stay away from comments that you’re going to have to spend more time explaining than delivering.
      2. DO: Use basic words and open your eyes unnaturally wide, while adding an occasional smile or head nod. Mirroring body language makes for more effective communication.English: Studio publicity portrait for film Sa...
  2. Me-Monsters/ One-Uppers: Comedian, Brian Regan aptly labeled this type the “me-monsters”, and I couldn’t think of a more appropriate moniker for this self-absorbed sort. Everybody has a Me-Monster in their life. You can spot them as soon as you start a conversation. Their injury is just a little more severe than the one you experienced, their student-teaching is a little harder than what you have to teach, their day has been just a little more eventful than your day.
    1. How to Spot One:
      1. For every story you share, they have a more severe, more extreme experience that will always top your story.
      2. They only use first-person pronouns.
    2. How to Deal:
      1. DO: Make the whole conversation about them to begin with. Don’t try to share any personal information unless you want it belittled and pushed to the side by some bigger and better experience.
      2. DON’T: Try to “One-Up” their story. They will think of some relative or close friend that has a crazier experience. This will go on until you let them win.
      3. DO: Just walk away. Watch Kristen Wiig’s “Penelope” skits on SNL. You’ll laugh at this exaggerated portrayal of Me-Monsters and be reminded that nobody likes them.
  3. The “Selfie”-Obsessed: Pretty people who feel the need to remind you how good-looking they are by posting at least one picture of themselves a week.
      1. How to Spot One:
        1. On Facebook:
          1. They change their profile picture at least once a week.
          2. They might down play some compliment in the comments section.
            1. “You look gorgeous!”
            2. Reply: “Oh my goodness! I look so gross in this pic!”
        2. On Instagram:
          1. They always take a self-portrait to document menial events in their lives.
            1. “I really need coffee (duck face)”
            2. Inspirational quote + self-portrait
          2. Most of their feed is face shots.
          3. Most of their pictures receive a considerable amount of likes.
      2. How to Deal:
        1. DON’T: Like these pictures. As you can imagine, this only encourages more “Selfie” behavior and posts in the future.
        2. DO: remove these people from your feed if they annoy you. You can keep them on your feed for a good laugh.
  4. The Strained Personality: People who try to be funny/smart/cocky but just aren’t.
    1. How to Spot One:
      1. Most likely this person will try to use unnecessary hashtags on Facebook in an attempt to be witty.
      2. They misuse hashtags by applying spaces between words or apostrophes.
        1. #I’mSuchANerd
        2. #Smart Girl Problems
      3. They misuse Meme Humor in an attempt to be culturally relevant.
        1. The Most Interesting Man in the World
        2. Conspiracy Keanu
        3. Bad Luck Brian
      1. How to Deal:
        1. DON’T: encourage this behavior by liking these posts.
        2. DON’T: Remind them that hashtags are irrelevant on Facebook. You won’t be the first or the last to point this out.
        3. DO: Sometimes the “Do not show in News Feed” is the answer to everything.

The Listology of Autumn

I don’t have favorites.  I think in lists:  “My Top 10  All-Time Favorite Movies”,  “5 Things I Would Bring to a Deserted Island”,  “10 Places I Want to See Before I Die” etc.  Point is,  I list things.  If you read my last post you are aware that I am not quite ready for Summer to end just yet.  So….I decided to psyche myself up by thinking of ten things that I love about fall.

  1. A New Start.  I love starting over:  school, life, job, relationships (you get the idea.) Every new school year we are guaranteed that.  A new beginning. Last year, last semester, the summer, it’s all in the past.  All that matters is the present and the future and what you bring to it.
  2. The Weather.  I know, I know, I always talk about being a California girl and soaking in the perpetual sunshine under a palm tree, BUT there is a world out there with more than one season!  One thing I have learned to enjoy is the feel of Autumn air. It’s cold, crisp and refreshing.  I go on walks around the lake just to breathe it in.
  3. Sweaters! Yes. Random I know, but I have a lot of them.  I don’t ever get to wear them.  It’s never quite cool enough to be a sweater day.  Especially when I’m only home for the summer.  So there they lay, in my closet, waiting to be worn.  I love how versatile they are.  They can be dressed up or dressed down so easily. I am all about easy outfits 🙂
  4. The People. I realize that people came after sweaters.  Well, sometimes sweaters are easier to deal with than people?  I do love people and especially that first week back.  I love everyone.  I get so happy to see familiar faces that I find myself throwing my arms around girls that I claimed “got on my nerves”.  I just want to see everyone, hear what everyone has been up to.  Catch up.
  5. Thunderstorms! If there’s one thing Indiana can do well is bring on a great thunderstorm.  I love it. Whether I’m inside or outside doesn’t matter. The sound of thunder excites me!  It’s my God loves me sign. When I see that bright flash across the sky I don’t really know what else I’m supposed to think of.  My God did this, what can yours do?
  6. Scarves, Layering, accessories. I like the way scarves look. They are easy to throw on when I can’t find a necklace to match.  Problem is I feel ridiculous sporting one in this heat. The practical use of a scarf aside from garnishing an outfit is to keep the neck warm. Here I can assure you I have no problem with that.  I don’t really need to be kept warm at all.  The sun takes care of that very well thank you.
  7. Dressing up again. All summer I’ve thrown my hair back (before I got it cut anyway) and threw on some flip-flops and I was ready to go.  No make-up, no jewelry, nothing.  The natural plain-Jane look flies here. I don’t mind it…it’s just that after a while I feel so bleh.  I miss getting ready because it made me feel like I had somewhere to go. Doing my hair, picking outfits and accessories, I enjoy it, I miss it.
  8. Dark Nails.  Summer is definitely not the time to bring out the EMO polish. For some reason in autumn I can paint my nails black and no one thinks anything of it. No one rushes over to pull my sleeves up in search of cuts or digs through my drawers for dark poetry. Everyone is in darker colors. It’s acceptable 🙂
  9. The Trench Coat!!:) I had wanted one for such a looong time. Khaki, double-breasted, belted and knee-length, and guess what my mother bought me just the other day? I was so excited! It’s so versatile, so timeless. I’m in love. I open my closet door just to look at it sometimes. To make sure it’s still there. I’m kidding of course. Or am I?
  10. The Leaves.  I never knew leaves could take on so many different colors.  It’s the visual symphony of nature. Our last glimpse of beauty before it takes on a snowy blanket for who knows how long. I remember on Sunday mornings looking down the streets in Chicago and seeing how the trees on both sides seemed to naturally frame these tunnels. The leaves falling over cars and the side walk. I don’t know how to explain it, but I loved it. I looked out the window every week of Autumn in search of that glimpse of picturesque suburbia.